A passive-aggressive open letter to people who are “too hot” during the winter.

Thanks for keeping windows open all the time! I’ve always fantasized about living in a bus shelter so this is extra fun for me. No, no, please just leave them and forget it so our air can remain “fresh” all day and night and we can finally rid ourselves all this nasty central heating. It’s fun to see those heating bills with lots of hilarious googly-eyed zeros behind the first number looking back at me. What a hoot! I know, I realize that at this time of the year there’s absolutely nowhere for you to go to cool off. Well, maybe except for just the whole entire world right outside the front or back door, but why would you want to do that when it’s way more fun to pretend you’re Superman and the living room is your icy Fortress of Solitude. Super cool! In fact, we should probably stop calling it a living room now that any organism larger than a virus can exist in it. I want to apologize for my body’s freaky need to achieve homeostasis and will try my best to look on the bright side of having boogercicles.

Yours warmly,