January 2012
Someone needs to come up with some Guelph Hippiepoints Credit Card where you can earn points for every curry dinner you have with a hurdy-gurdy player and harpist or bucket of food scraps you drop off for your neighbor’s urban chicken collective, because rug looms made from recycled piano keys don’t grow on trees, you know.
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Once my little brother fed a bunch of worms to a garter snake he found in the backyard and then handed it to me only to have it totally cack them back up into my hand, still alive but partially digested. I was trying to figure out exactly how that Republican Debate made me feel and this is the only thing that pops into mind.
Since I’m not currently using those little fingery things at the ends of my fallopian tubes, I’d like to humbly request that I could use them to pluck Santorum’s eyes out.
I know it’s a little early and random for this, but I was farting around this morning thinking about reincarnation and heaven and all that stuff that kind of sounds kind of nice but uses metaphors that don’t really sit with me, when I got this image of fish flopping out of a stream. I think that’s what consciousness is, just a trout with an super-sized brain experiences when it...
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The sun is a total BAMF →
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We decided to buy some local organic cruelty-free beef. I’m not trying to act like my shit doesn’t stink, but my farts are incredibly biodynamic.
Another life destroyed by the Liberal Elite Media.
Watch six hours of Ken Burns’ “Prohibition” when you’re trying not to drink.
Feel yourself squirm as he zooms the focus into every whiskey glass and beer bubble.
Cry when Carrie Nation smashes all the beautiful old-timey saloon bottles.
Curse your hot cocoa.
I thought I’d avoid an evening of rage by watching some American Idol instead of the Republican debates but then some kid just said “I’m gonna sing that song from Shrek” and launched into “Hallelujah” so I guess I’m just destined to gargle my own bile.
If Gingerich gets elected I hope he’ll be willing to let us have other presidents on the side.
Do you ever lie awake in the middle of the night...
thedisgruntledgradstudent:
No? Just me?
I’m confident that the Higgs Boson particle is 99% god snot.
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It looks like we have finally found a house to move into at the end of March, which is a big relief. It has a tall tree in the back that looks like it eats people, so that’s another bonus.
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So my life is basically a Canadian Tire commercial...
Last night we had drinks with our neighbors, listened to some Bruce Cockburn and realized that four out of five of us were in possession of canoe paddles that had been carved by our own hands. After a few more drinks we all ran to our houses, brought them back and swung them around the living room. We then went stumbled downtown to a keg party a friend was throwing for his vegan restaurant’s...
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If I had a detachable reproductive system, the first thing I would do is smack Rick Santorum in the face with it.
If the Republican presidential candidates were candies, Romney would be a stale Circus Peanut, Ron Paul would be a Jolly Rancher that pulls your tooth out, Huntsman would be an empty box of Milk Duds, Gingerich would be Goobers and Santorum would be a razor blade.
I watched Mitt Romney on CNN for about 5 minutes and I’m pretty sure my soul just flew out through my nose.
Sometimes I’ll watch an episode of Hoarders, secretly loathing myself the whole time. Tonight it got me thinking about how if some enlightened being in touch with what reality truly is could walk into human brains they’d probably make the exact same expression that the therapist and all the people watching at home do when they see the piles of rotten useless crap that these people are...
I might consider voting libertarian, but only if the candidate showed up walking down a road that he had hacked down and paved himself on land that he paid an actual fair price for to any remaining native people in the area while wearing shoes he personally hollowed out from squirrel carcasses.
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I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it’s coming out of my madhole instead of my sadhole. For example, I would pay good money to fly to Iowa and smash Santorum’s little baby weasel teeth in, I broke my neighbor’s giant plastic Land Rover Lifestyle brand trash shed because it was really fucking angry cold out and whatever fuck them for going on vacation and asking me to...
When the Medieval Americans finally take over the country and turn it into a charred husk of cruelty and religious literalism, at least I can look back fondly on my memories of that one evening when I enjoyed some hearty chuckling about CNN’s overuse of the term Santorum Surge.
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Everyone else seems to be doing it.
So I’m going to say sincere New Year stuff, too. I have decided that this year I’m going to be expecting. I’ve been literally doing that for half of the last couple years, but my biggest temptation this year is to have incredibly low expectations, in fact, I’ve been letting my fears and negations frequently turn me into a person I don’t want to be. I no longer want to...
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The Kinks - Better Things
Happy New Year...
December 2011
It was good to see my extended family but I think people didn’t really know what to do or say to me. I guess one of the perks of being the elephant in the room is that no one will think twice if you shove some peanuts up your nose and crush someone with your butt.
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It's a Christmas Day mackerel.
I’ve been kind of hating on Christmas all month, just counting down the days until it’s over and we can all regain our collective sanity. Yesterday we got some groceries and stopped at a pet store because Mr. Protege knows that seeing animals usually peps me up. We were looking at the fiddler crabs doing their little side-step dances in a line and watching guppies swim around when I...
Fair trade.
I went to the dinner party and faked a giant jollygasm while Mr. Protege stayed home, got a nosebleed and watched The Damned.
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Maybe the Mayans were a year off.
I wouldn’t mind the whole world ending if it helps prevent the Christmas Day Jeff Dunham Comedy Marathon.
You know how marathon runners get all wobbly-legged and shit themselves and fall down and roll around on the ground in that last stretch before the finish line? That’s what’s going on with this last glove order I’m finishing, maybe minus the incontinence, but still, I’m basically rolling around on the ground covered in yarn and coffee grinds and waiting for someone to put...
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2011
It tried. I can say that much. Lots of good, some big bad, but as Richard Manuel says in the Last Waltz, “I just wanna break even.” So I’m going into 2112 2012 with some pocket change slightly thankful and hoping for the best.
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When Will It End? - Raymond Scott
Raymond Scott...
I'd sure make a shitty witch.
Didn’t realize the solstice happened late last night. I thought it was tonight. Oh, well. More daylight for me.
Mellow Yellow - Donovan
His follow up hit after...
I’m pretty sure the last reality show ever will be called Next Top Jeff and will just involve a bunch of dudes with name tags trying to push each other off a hill.